This is a blog for aromantic asexuals, aromantic sexuals, grey-romantics, akoiromantics, and anyone else on the aromantic spectrum. We try our best to be inclusive and will offer advice to anyone who comes to our ask box. Check out our FAQ here if you're confused by any of the terminology we use. Please do not send me asks about asexuality exclusively (and not, for example, aromanticism as it relates to asexuality).

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mogai-archive:

aceflux: similar to genderflux in that how asexual you feel tends to flux in and out in intensity. some days you may feel apathetic toward sex, then others you might feel entirely sex-repulsed, and some days you’re just like sex? yeah. cool.  

aroflux: similar to genderflux in that how aromantic you feel tends to flux in and out in intensity. some days you may feel apathetic toward romance, then others you might feel entirely romance-repulsed, and some days you’re just like romance? yeah. cool. 

coined by: 

Jul 24th, 2014

@postmortemcommunications answered:Friendmate; kind of like soulmate, but more of WE ARE MEANT TO BE FRIENDS AND IT’S PERFECT kind of thing.

That’s cute! Although I’m also into the idea that “soulmate” doesn’t necessarily mean someone who’s romantic, and I feel like the idea that a soulmate has to be romantic comes from amatonormativity. ‘Twin flame’ is a similar concept. 

Jul 23rd, 2014

You know, thinking about it, we spend a lot of time coming up with orientation words, but not a whole lot coming up with relationship words. Which I think is a large part of the aromantic discourse that’s missing - a lot of aromantic people experience non-normative relationships, but we tend to shove them into the all-encompassing label of “queerplatonic”, which doesn’t fit for every person and every relationship. 

Some other aro-relevant relationship words might be ‘friends with benefits’, or possibly the concept of love styles/ancient Greek love types (more on that here and here). 

What other non-normative relationship words (that don’t have to do with romance) do you know of?

Jul 23rd, 2014

Anonymous said: I am one of those rare few that had their orientation do a complete 180. Honestly, it took surviving an abusive relationship (she used her love for me as an excuse to abuse me) to get there. At first I thought it was just a phase, but after years of not feeling anything (and many attempts), I just decided to start identifying as grayromantic. It's one of the very few good things that came out of the trauma, aromanticism is my blessing that came from a curse.

#abuse

I think it’s very beautiful to hear someone call being aromantic a blessing. So often I get messages from people who think that being aromantic is a curse or a horrible thing that happened to them. It’s refreshing and poignant to hear someone call being aromantic a blessing, and I wish it was something I heard more often. 

Anyway, it’s rare but definitely possible. I didn’t want to make it seem in my message as if it’s not possible - just that I don’t think it happens quite as often as people sometimes purport in the queer community. We spend a lot of time talking about how orientation is fluid, but that can sometimes be harmful to people who have a very fixed orientation (I think of cases where people have told me I just “haven’t met the right person yet”, for example).

Anyway, this was a great message. Thank you for sending it :) 

Jul 23rd, 2014

onange said: Do you have any advice on coming out as aromantic????? Im considering printing out a factsheet, mailing it to my friends/family and fleeing the country

Sorry this has taken me so long to get to! I hope you had good luck with coming out if you’ve already done it, and if you haven’t, here’s some advice for you or anyone else coming out as aromantic. 

I would say a factsheet or letter is probably the best way to come out - as anything, not just aromantic. It allows people time to process their own emotions and get the facts straight from you. When face-to-face, it’s a lot harder for emotions to not get involved and a lot easier to misinterpret people, so a lot of conversations centered around coming out tend to go rather circularly if the person in question isn’t familiar with what you’re talking about - at least in my experience.

Be sure to address common misconceptions - being a late bloomer, not having found the right person, etc. Have good comebacks for these if someone decides to use them. 

And lastly: take a few deep breaths. Coming out is scary, but remember that you are the only one who defines your own orientation, not other people. If people aren’t accepting, they still don’t get to define how you identify or see yourself. 

Jul 23rd, 2014

Anonymous said: I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask this queston, but can romantic orientation change over time? Because I've read many times that it's possible for sexuality to change and I was wondering if that was the same for romantic orientation.

Yes, definitely, although just like with sexuality, I would say it’s probably rarer than queer community would have you think. Most people don’t so much have their orientation change over time so much as they come to a deeper understanding of their orientation over time - it’s rare that someone’s orientation does a complete 180 in any facet, although it certainly is possible. 

Jul 23rd, 2014

Anonymous said: Hey! I don't know if you've gotten an ask about this yet, but the movie Maleficent is a great choice for aros going to the cinema. I don't want to give anything away, but let's just say it actually gives some attention to non-romantic love. (:

Thanks for letting me know!

Jul 23rd, 2014

urlforme said: Do you think its possible to be gray-romantic and bi-curious(sexually) ??? Relationships and romantic love are a"it depends" thing for me, but I'm definitely find mostly men, but in certain cases: women, sexually attractive. But I only am interested in men romantically? Im so confused... Sorry if this doesn't make any sense...

It’s possible to be heteroromantic and bisexual, but I would also say be careful on whether it actually is being heteroromantic and not just having internalized homophobia (of “oh, I can’t be with someone of the same gender as me because X/Y/Z”), which is definitely a thing that happens. 

I would also say that it’s definitely possible to be grey-romantic and bisexual/bi-leaning/bi-curious. Sexual orientation and romantic orientation don’t have to have anything to do with each other (though, of course, there will always be places they interact/intersect, sort of like gender and sexual orientation).

Jul 23rd, 2014

beranyth:

Acephobic comment sighted!  To-do list before responding to it with “but asexual people can have loving romantic relationships too just like you!” —

  • no
  • stop
  • don’t
  • can u not
  • stop for two seconds and think of a way to respond that isn’t simply telling them their real target is aro aces

(via notunprepared)

Jul 23rd, 2014

sreido said: I'm in a relationship right now. He came out as aromantic to me. Its been one of my dreams to have someone desire me the way I desire them romantically. Hugging hand holding cheekkissing and all. But now it's obviously not much of a possibility with him. He said he wants to do those things with me to make me happy and I respect that and am very flattered but I don't want him to do it just to keep me happy for a couple reasons: he gets physically uncomfortable because of it and because I would fe

I believe your ask was cut off, but regardless: have you talked to him about this and how he feels about you? I think these sort of things should be addressed within the relationship, rather than coming to a third party. However, it’s important to figure out whether he’s romance-repulsed or simply romance-indifferent. If he gets physically uncomfortable, he’s probably romance-repulsed and you shouldn’t pressure him to do romantic actions with you, because no one should have to do anything romantically or sexually that makes them feel uncomfortable or icky. Talk to him about it. Talk about what his limits are. If possible, even make a list of things you’d like to do and have him make a list of things he’d like to do or at least be willing to do. Know his hard limits so that you don’t push past that point.

It could be, though, that you’re simply incompatible orientation-wise. This is something that hurts a lot, but sometimes is unavoidable. It might be better if you seek out a friendship or QP relationship with him instead, if you both can’t deal with budging a little. And I emphasize 'both' here too: remember relationships, especially ones that are mixed orientation, require a lot of communication and meeting half way on both sides. You might have to compromise or reexamine some things you want in a relationship. That is okay, and something you have to do regardless of whether you’re with someone who is aromantic or the most romantic person in the world. Remember: communicate, communicate, communicate. Mixed orientation relationships are extremely difficult, but they’re possible, if both parties are willing to be totally open with their desires, wants, and needs (and distinguish between that, too - is hand holding and cheek kissing and such something you want, or something you need in order to feel happy and healthy in a relationship?).  

Jul 21st, 2014